Billiard Headed Man

I've been cutting my own hair for about fifteen years now. Though for a lot of that time I didn't cut it all, and I looked like something Cat Stevens would drag in.

But for the last few years I've been keeping it short with a hand held trimmer. Such as what a sheep shearer or barber would use, like so.

I let my hair get slightly long, until it outgrows the 'Action Man' felthead look and starts to take on the beginnings of a furry microphone cover.

I trim my head with scissors and then set to work with the electric blades. I prefer a nice clean No.1 buzzcut, or perhaps a No. 2 if I require some extra hair in unseasonable weather.

So tonight, with my hair beginning to spring out in unusual directions, I set to work. First I attacked it with the scissors, leaving longer lumps here, and lesser clumps there, as any haphazardness would be evened out by the trimmer.

But when I went to turn the device on, it gave out a weak, sickly hum. The blades were barely vibrating at all. I opened it up with a screwdriver and cleaned the insides, oiled the blades, fiddled with screws. That seemed to work, as the hum from the motor got louder, but then when I went to cut my locks it seemed to yank them by the roots rather than cut them. Then it died a death. Bah.

That'll teach me to buy a £5.99 budget trimmer from the bloody Argos value range.

So now I was left with a head half-cut, half long, partly shaved. I could either wear a hat and sneak out tomorrow to buy a new trimmer, or shave the lot off.

I've opted for the latter. It took me AGES. The top of my head was OK as I'm thinning there. But the sides, and particularly the back, are very thick. I went through three disposal razors and ended up using the Gillette Mach 3 (the king of razors, razor fans.) My head is covered in wee cuts. And I don't like my big deformed face.

But worse, I've been made into a hypocrite