Tuesday, April 12, 2011

What would you rather do?


Would you rather live as a battery hen for 6 months and receive $1 million at the end of it or just live your life as you are now?

You can communicate with the other chickens and become friends with them but at the end of the 6 months they are all killed.


a.) Be chased by a swarm of invisible bees that only you can see, which sting you every time you think about sex for the rest of you life. The bees sting you arpound five times a minute. The sting effect lasts for 24 hours.

b.) Have your head swell up to twice its normal size like a grotesque balloon whenever you engage in sex. Your appearance is quite off-putting for any prospective partner. As soon as you achieve orgasm, your head deflates to its normal size.


a.) Be chained to an annoying man for one day (Tuesday) the rest of your life, who carries a notebook & writes down everything you do this day. He reviews the day between the hour of 10pm - 11pm where he tells you how he thinks you could have done stuff more efficiently. You can argue, but that only adds on extra minutes. You can't harm him. He arrives at 7am and leaves at midnight.

b.) For half a day every week, between your voice is amplified so that it becomes really loud & everything you say comes out in a huge shout. It's as loud as a Metallica gig or an air raid siren. Everything you say can be heard several blocks away. This happens between 9am and 1pm.


a.) Have your whole immediate family - mum, dad, brothers, sisters - become hardcore junkies. They decide that heroin is the best thing ever. They love it so much that they sell all their possessions and yours to score smack. They even turn their house into a sort of shooting gallery and it becomes all full of junkies, all passing out and being sick everywhere. Even your pets become addicts.

b.) Have your whole immediate family - mum, dad, brothers, sisters - become hardcore scientologists. They decide that scientology is the best thing ever. They love it so much that they sell all their possessions and yours and give the money to scientology. They even turn their house into a sort of scientology temple and it becomes all full of scientologists, all being silent or humming and contacting aliens. Even your pets become scientologists.


a.) Go back to grade 1 knowing everything that you know now. You just have to go through growing up trying to convince everyone you're just an ordinary kid.

b.) Go back to grade 7 knowing everything that you know now. You just have to go through your middle years trying to convince everyone you're just an ordinary teenager.


a.) Be forced at gunpoint cut off all the fingers on your right hand, have a guard roll them in flour and batter, deep fry them in front of you, and then make you eat them.

b) Be forced at gunpoint to bite off a genteleman's balls and eat them raw, with a little soy sauce.


a.) Be forced to change allegiance to the team you hate the most - buy a season ticket, wear all the replica gear, have their most hated player become your favourite player, tell all your mates about how much you love them. And your team now becomes your most hated team.

b.) Eat a catshit sandwich


a.) Become enslaved down a silver mine where you never see the light of day, as your slave owners keep you chained up underground all night. All you ever do is cut & haul rocks. If you are too slow you get beaten. You work fourteen hours a day for no pay. After a few years you die from overwork. You never see anyone from the opposite sex or have opportunity of escape. You never have any holidays.

b.) Be crucified to death immediately


a.) Be forced to hunt down & kill a random child, you are just given his name and address and you have to do it otherwise you will be killed. The child lives in upstate New York. Once you kill him, you'll be given a new identity and be safe from prosecution

b.) Have your face become a giant grinning crocodile face, all covered in thick scaly hide


a.) A set of two dice that you roll once every morning. If you roll a double six, then you become official Lord Of Nudity for the day. No sechs, unless the other party agrees, but anyone has to strip entirely naked in front of you if you so command it. Providing they are above legal age, no paedos please.

However, if you roll snake eyes (double 1) you have to walk around entirely naked for the day as a forfeit. If you own the dice, you have to use them. Oh, and all the other combinations just mean an ordinary day.

b.) No dice


a.) Have a small talking bird that who can read your mind and, once per day, will fly on to your shoulder and loudly announce what you are thinking about. This will always occur at the most awkward or embarrassing time. You cannot kill or otherwise get rid of this bird, and he will appear out of nowhere. However, he is restricted to one embarrassing revelation per day.

b.) Have the emotions you display reversed. For example, if you are actually sad, you will be smiling and laughing, but if you are happy, you'll be in tears. This is permanant.


a.) Have your mum & dad throw a big birthday party for all your friends & family, but when you got there the room is decorated with pictures of your mum & dad doing sex. Some photos, some good quality oil paintings. And then they strip naked and start doing sex in front of everyone as your birthday cake is brought out.

b.) You have to leave work early every day, as something weird happens near the end of the day. A big portion of your work colleagues turn against you and start chucking stuff at you, then this extends into outright violence with quite severe kicks and punches until you leave the workplace. Once in a while, random people from outside the workplace come in off the street and join in too. It's a really frightening experience as you never know why it happens. Police ignore your problem.


a.) Get to ride on a mechanical elephant for the rest of your life :- top speed 60 kmh, weather-proof little cab on top, laser eyes for shooting at pedestrians (set to stun), fully road legal with rego, able to climb right over small cars (but no crushing)

b.) Be pulled around the sky in a carriage by six flying unicorns for 6 months, go wherever you want, unicorns are on go-faster pills and never get tired.


Would you rather piss gentle, cool streams of solid gold or shit $100 bills from your clacker?


a.) Everytime you enter a supermarket to buy anything, a ghostly talking dog turns up who follows you around the aisles, criticising your purchases. He has the power to either refuse two of your purchases at his choosing, or manipulate your wallet/visa card to ensure that you are temporarily 85 cents off your total at the till, leading you to leave an item back. He has a voice & manner like Richard E Grant, and most other shoppers think he's your dog. He also shits on the supermarket floor.

b.) At a random point each afternoon, you are overcome with the urge to believe that the nearest person to you is the living embodiment of a god who can grant you whatever you want out of life, but only if you prostrate yourself before them and worship at their feet. You are overcome with the urge to offer them little gifts, like 20 cent pieces or keyrings or Mentos, as a sacrifice. The feeling is so strong you can't overcome it, but it only lasts 10 minutes. After 10 minutes you snap out of it and can either explain yourself or brush it under the carpet. This might be difficult if you work afternoons.