Monday, May 10, 2010

My non love life part 1

A few weeks ago,I went out to see local cover band The Hard Chargers late on. Standing on my own at the bar, a lady approached me. Tidy sort, well refreshed. She said it was her 40th birthday. We got chatting and then her phone kept beeping. She said it was her mum and stepdad checking up on her 'because they know what she's like.'

Then a tiny man who looked like Acker Bilk came into the bar and took her outside to a car. She said it was her stepdad. He didn't look happy. She wanted me to get in the car too but I wasn't going to mess with Acker in that mood. A blonde having a smoke, a complete stranger, looked at me and said 'Are you nuts? Don't!' and I made my excuses and left. But your girl must have escaped from Acker because she came running after me.

I did the decent thing & walked her back to her mum's house. Well, not totally decent because I kissed her and felt her arse a bit. She was just another Bangor girl with an abusive ex-partner and an intervention order, it's the old story.The house was just round the corner. Acker didn't come to the door but I bet he was lurking inside. Her mum did. A little lady, pleasant enough but she didn't want me in her house and I didn't want to come in. But my 40th birthday girl did, which led to some awkwardness until I escaped, leaving my mobile number.

We exchanged some text messages and then I forgot about her for a few days. Then she sent me another text on a Wednesday night while I was watching the football. I had my phone upstairs and didn't hear it beep. After a few minutes she sent me another text saying 'PLEASE REPLY TO THIS TEXT IF YOU ARE STILL INTERESTED OR ARE YOU STRINGING ME ALONG.' So I told her I might be but she was very drunk and probably didn't remember meeting me. I told her my mobile was prepaid and I couldn't afford sending her loads of texts and would contact her at the weekend. This was both true and convenient.

So the weekend. She asked me what I was up to.

'Dunno,' I said. 'Maybe off for a swim. What are you doing?'

'After I come home home from the stables I'll just watch TV' she says.

So I hatched this cunning plan. She lives beside Tesco. After I went swimming I went to the Tescos. When I was there I will contacted her and say,'Hello I am in Tescos. Would you like anything? Maybe a nice bottle of fizzy wine.' Women like that sort of thing.

But she told me that her son was with her and I would have to wait until he was with his dad. I'd forgotten about her son.

So the next week I texted her and asked her what she was up to, as her son was away at his dad's. But she had been out exercising her horses and building some sort of obstacle for them to leap over, apparently horses like that sort of thing. She was simply too tired to entertain me.

Anyway, we chatted some more and I asked her about her dogs. She had a bull terrier cross. Oh dear. I don't like bull terriers even if they are crossed. One picked my late deceased dog up and shook it like a rag doll. I told her this. She replied by saying that her bull terrier cross is the sweetest nicest bull terrier cross you could hope to meet and everyone loves him.

They all say that, don't they? I don't want my face eaten off by a jealous dog as I sleep.

I haven't heard from her since.

She did have a nice firm arse though. It must have been from all the horse jumping.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010


I have bought a pair of gerbils, male and female.

As you may know, gerbils have a gestation period of 28 days.

That means from one original pair, you can get maybe 11 or 12 generations of gerbils in a year.

I have also bought a large, hermetically sealed aquarium tank.

I'll be supplying the gerbils with plenty of food, water and bedding materials, and excellent entertainment facilities.

As you know, standard air is about 78% nitrogen, 20% oxygen and 2% other useless gas.

Well, into my aquarium tank I am pumping modified air which is only 10% oxygen.

As the gerbils breed through generation after generation, I expect their lungs to change and evolve. As they do so, I will gradually reduce the oxygen level down to 5%.

Obviously there will be some gerbils who do not make it. This is survival of the fittest.

Eventually, I hope to breed a race of super gerbil who can conquer man's ultimate dream - rodents who can climb Mount Everest without the aid of artificial respiration.

An Apology

On Sunday night, after I drank two bottles of wine and consumed some (removed on legal advice) I sat down and listened to the Sunday play on Radio 3.

It was really, really good. I can't remember what it was about as I was clean off my head. But it greatly inspired me.

It inspired me so much that I sent some sort of political directive in the form of a text message to many, many contacts on my mobile phone.

I'm the sort of person who never deletes contacts from his phone, so everyone got one. That ranges from former driving instructors, to close family members, to people I went to university with in 1995.

In return, I got a range of responses such as 'Who is this?' and 'What a load of old bollocks.'

I deleted the text message itself before I had a chance to read it, so what I sent out is a mystery to me. Let's keep it that way.

Again, I apologise profusely for this missive if you received one.

Saturday, May 01, 2010


I woke up the other morning after another night of excess to find that I have broken my laptop.

The screen has a dent in it. Some liquid appears to have broken out from the workings and run all over the screen.

I am not going to get it repaired. I spend far to much time online anyway, not on this blog (as evidenced by the paucity of posts), but on social networking sites and several forae.

So dear reader, I will have to post from the library. Do not worry, I doubt that the dearest of blogs will suffer. If anything, I will have more to post about as I reconnect with the real world.

I will write my postings in an exercise book and transcribe them at the library, so you won't miss a thing.