Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Good chat up lines

I've been working at meeting more memebers of the opposite sex, so these are some of the chat up lines I've been using on ladies recently. I've been getting mixed response. I use them in clubs, pubs, the supermarket, parkland, doctors' surgeries and front porches and even through open windows.

Have you ever been to this venue before?

Where is this venue we are at?

Can you help me, I'm lost, is this a food outlet?

What time is it? Is that a good time for you?

Have you ever been to the moon?

Have you been to another planet?

What's the highest number you have ever counted to?

Can you see me? (Duck down) - playful move

Do you piss standing up?

Do you believe in me?

Where do you see us in twenty years time?

Where is your mother?

Have you ever killed someone?

Can I cut your hair?

Why is your nose like that?

Do you want to go for a walk around the club?

Can we please swap shoes?

Do you belong to any societies?

Have you ever seen a monster?

Have you ever found something and kept it?
If so, what was it? Was it a coin?

Do you like blood?

Can I kill you?

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Wallet


So I went to the YMCA gym on Saturday night. Yes, Saturday night. When ordinary people are at the pub, I was pumping iron. I'm a member of the YMCA, young man. I'm looking ripped and gnarled these days, like a young Johnny Weissmuller. After I'd finished my contortions, I went for a swim and sauna.

When I got back to the change rooms, my socks and shoes were lying scattered on the floor.

"That's strange," I said to myself, "why are my shoes and socks lying scattered on the floor?"

The answer soon made itself apparent. Someone had broken into my locker. There was no sign of a forced entry, but the door was swinging open.

I had placed my wallet inside the pocket of my attractive and practical yellow cycling pac-a-mac. I went to the pocket. It was gone.

I looked through my sports bag and everything else was there - my keys, a lottery ticket I had just purchased, a bottle of ALDI Old Tawny Port ($4.99 and not bad at all, as I later found out) and all my clothes.

But the wallet was gone.

I felt a bit sheepish as it clearly says on the lockers 'DO NOT LEAVE VALUABLES.' They must have a history of break-ins. You're supposed to sign anything worthwhile to thieves to the staff behind the desk. Oh well.

The attendants were very helpful and helped me look round about the lockers and in the bins, but in vain. I filled out an incident report at the gym and then headed up to the police station. A lady constable took down my details in a black book. She told me should would definitely call me if she found my wallet.

The thief had only taken about $7 in change. That's all I had. I hope whoever it was spent it wisely. Meanwhile, I've got to apply for a new bank card, driver's license (learner class, I'll pass someday), bank card, library card etc. And when I do get my cards, I'll have to get a new wallet to put them in. It's the inconvenience that gets me. Thieves are so inconsiderate. It's as if they don't care about other people, eh?

The gym is beside a railway track, so the next day I decided to search in the long grass by the cuttings, just in case my crook had taken the money & chucked the wallet. Almost immediately, I found a five dollar note, a little damp but otherwise sound. I later used it to buy a dozen free range eggs at the supermarket.

Then I found an attractive red lady's handbag, with the price tag still on - $29.99. It came from a local shop. Maybe a shoplifter had discarded it. I hung it on a fence so that a lady might take it, as I had no use for it.

The last item I found was a dead rat. This put me off further searching. However, the previous findings have encouraged me, and I might hoke around in the railway cuttings again. I doubt I'll find my wallet, but maybe I'll find another banknote.