Happy New Year's Eve!

This time 10 years ago I was swimming naked and dancing on the beach at Byron Bay with me chap out.

Cop 1: 'Can you put some clothes on?'
Me: 'I'm not offending anyone!'
Cop 2: 'You're offending me!'

Ah mad weekend. Pulled that gorgeous girl from Inverness and then lost her after the 2nd bottle of whiskey. I must have done something terrible because when she turned up in Melbourne my name was mud. But then she got scabies, that'll learn her!

And I lost my shoes, and got dehydrated, and fell asleep on the nudist beach, and then lay moaning and dyhdrated on a mud path while everyone walked over me until a lovely Dutch couple rescued me. I've a lot of time for the Dutch.

Only time I have ever drunk two 700ml bottles of Jameson's one after the other.

I bought one for myself and this girl from Reading bought me another (whatever happened to her?)

I didn't really mean to start on the second one but I met this wabhead Aussie who started lecturing me on the Northern Ireland troubles with the conviction & arrogance someone who's only experienced the conflict at a distance of 8,000 miles through books & TV can manage...

He was fe&king me off so much I started taking big swigs from the Jameson's to calm me down. Always a good idea.

That's when I blacked out (but presumably finished the whiskey) and must have suggested something terrible to the girl...

Lord she was hawt. If I could hold her in my arms today.....

This year, to save me from tears, I'm going to get a dose of sexy and pull a cracker in Donegan's beer garden. Get her down the lough at midnight to hear the container ships toot their tooters at the stroke of 12. It'll be so romantic I'm bound to get my fingers & tops.