Apprentice Week 1

I'm going to cook some sausages and run about Bangor like a big fecking twat forcing people to eat them. It'll be something to put on my CV for when the headhunters from the private investment banks come calling. And if I don't sell any, you get the blame. Not me. Because I never fail, I only ever win. At everything.

The Apprentice, then: was same as it ever was, still good, but if they showed a repeat from three years ago it would take me a while to notice.

The task this week was making sausages and then selling them, though the candidates spent the first part of the show thinking up inspirational names for their team. (Apoplexy and Sanatogen were the winning entries.)

First they bought the meat. It turns out that according to market traders, meat is cheaper in the morning, then gets more expensive throughout the day. Let's hope supermarkets and butchers don't adopt this practice. I'm a late sleeper.

Then they went to a sausage factory. A man demonstrated sausage making then the teams had a go. It was just like 'The Generation Game.' Brucie would be a great replacement for Sir Alan,Lord of Sugar.

Next, off onto the streets of London to try and ram food down unsuspecting throats.


What's the obsession with all these tasks down the years forcing candidates to carry a portable hotplate/BBQ, make food, cook it and then encourage passers-by to eat it? I'm sure this isn't the first time sausages have been cooked in the open.

Isn't that Masterchef? Or Home Economics GCSE?

Anyway, back to this season's selection of well-groomed twats with well-groomed egos.

One bloke was a surgeon. Nice to see he's dragged himself away from saving lives on the operating table for this farrago of fuckwittery. I bet his family are so proud of him.

One candidate styled himself an "Unemployed Communications Manager" or somesuch.

No you're not. You're just on the dole, like the rest of us.

The women won this week, meaning they all got to spend the weekend at a naturist retreat. Or maybe not. But there are a lot of lovely ladies this year! Even the mad one with the huge glasses who says 'Sauce Ahges' instead of 'sausages' like it's the greatest joke ever told.

The actual prize for the ladies was that they got to eat more sausages, and there was an unnecessary, lingering shot of the Cheryl Cole-alike one (Elizabeth?) stuffing a banger in her mouth.

The men were led by a pointlessly aggressive chap who acted like the sort of teacher we all hated in school; one who only kept control of his class with sarcasm and aggression. One who couldn't teach, but thought he was God's gift to the world of education. He was bloody useless.

Though keep an eye out for Stuart, a man who thinks that a 'good salesman' behaves like someone from the movie 'Boiler Room.' A career in timeshare or double glazing surely awaits. I think he is a mobile phone salesman, which might be much the same. I've never ventured inside a mobile phone shop, just in case.