Saturday, July 04, 2009

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hi citizen
Stranger: hi
You: Papers please
Stranger: passport please
You: Snap
You: Do you own a dog?
Stranger: can you read it out for me?
Stranger: no, no dogs
Stranger: no pets
You: No animals of any kind?
Stranger: none
You: Prove it
Stranger: my web cam is not working at the moment
You: I'm sure I can smell dog
You: Is that not dog hair on the couch?
Stranger: your sense of smell is screwed up
Stranger: you can't see very well -- it is night here
You: It definitely has the odour of wet dog around here
You: Maybe you have a dog but you just forgot?
Stranger: now you know why i don't have a dog
You: I'm starting to become more convinced by these denials that you own at least one dog
Stranger: heck, my last 3 girlfriends broke up with me b/c i did not want babies b/c i did not want to deal with baby shit
You: You're protesting too much
Stranger: why the hell would i deal with dog shit and dog urine?
Stranger: that's b/c you are such a pin head interrogator
You: What sort of dog is it? A great dane, jack russell, just tell me
You: You can confide in me
You: What do you feed it on?
Stranger: i live in a glass house
Stranger: nothing to confide
Stranger: even your very insinuation bothers me
You: Can we just pretend that you have a dog? To help the conversation along?
Stranger: no
Stranger: i am sorry
You: Come on
Stranger: i live in korea
You: Ok
Stranger: we are civilized here
Stranger: unlke the rest of the world which gives dogs a very high status
You: I refuse to be drawn into any obvious canine meat conversations
Stranger: why?
Stranger: what did you have for your last dinner?
You: Pizza with kebab meat. Say you had a tricycle/rickshaw
You: A tricycle rickshaw pulled by dogs
You: That would be so cool!
You: I will supply this to you
Stranger: i guess your kebab was goat
You: If you did have a dog what would you call it?
Stranger: you mean for dinner?
You: No! As a pet
Stranger: to me all animals are same
You: Let's get you an imaginary dog called Joe Brolly
Stranger: i refuse to practice racism with dogs/cows/goats etc
Stranger: they are all equal
Stranger: i eat chicken twice a year then i have to eat twice a year
You: I have a league table 1.) Tiger 2.) Snake 3.) Dog etc
You: Do the dogs that get eaten have names?
Stranger: great, now you are getting it
Stranger: why not?
You: I don't want to eat anything that has a name
Stranger: see -- you should widen your horizons there
Stranger: like your kebab pizza
Stranger: pizza from italy
You: I just want to warn you that if you ask me anything about the Osmonds in this chat window I am disconnecting
Stranger: kebab from morcco
You: Also, birthdays and Christmas are not topics for conversation
Stranger: you are too controlling
Stranger: easen up a bit
You: I am a Jehova's witness
You: We don't believe in birthdays, christmas or The Osmonds
Stranger: all right
Stranger: i have tried everything
Stranger: i think i will allow you to imagine i have a dog
Stranger: what next?
You: Cool
You: What breed/size?
Stranger: rotweiler
You: Poor choice in my book, but OK
Stranger: about a metre high
You: Is he/she fierce?
Stranger: no
Stranger: i have brought him up on vegan diet
Stranger: you see i am vegan
You: Cool
Stranger: not a dog eater as i told you
You: I think you'll have to supplement his diet
Stranger: no
Stranger: have you had a look at the elephant?
Stranger: does the elephant in the wild eat according to FDA's recommendations?
You: Let's pretend I am your neighbour and I secetely throw bones over the fence; would you be annoyed?
Stranger: definitely
You: I may move then
You: I may bring the dog too
Stranger: there is nothing available for rental around here
You: He will follow me naturally & willingly, because he senses you secretely despise him
Stranger: no, for as a vegan i despise nothing
You: I can easily charm your neighbours into letting me sleep at their property
Stranger: everything in nature is naturally drawn towards me
Stranger: try as hard as you may, my dog will not eat unless he has double checked all the ingredients
You: This fantasy dog is proving both troublesome and unrealistic
Stranger: all fantasies are like that -- a bubble getting bigger and bigger
You: NO you need to ground the fantasy in some reality, to create a literally illusion
You: literary even
Stranger: but anyway..
Stranger: what is it with dogs you had at the beginning of the show
Stranger: before it went haywire
You: I never mentioned dogs, you did
You: You said you could smell dog
Stranger: if you dial 911, would they take you to an asylum?
You: Can you do it?
You: Tell them to bring the straps
You: Last time they forgot and I gained control of the vehicle
Stranger: forget 911. just tell me where you live. I will come with those "jolt pads"
Stranger: here i have already started
Stranger: this is for your own good
You: I live near Strabane
Stranger: Street address
Stranger: please
Stranger: please i need your street address
Stranger: don't hang up on me
You: 45-47 Abercorn Square,Strabane, BT82 8AQ
Stranger: i am a mere six thousand miles away
You: Lets leave this for now
You: I am beginning to despise you
You have disconnected.


Wandering Photographer said...

Dude! What is this all about?

bresker said...

go to and find out!

Wandering Photographer said...

I did, but your exchange is inspired! Mine was entirely mundane, tedious even.

I liked your closing line "I am beginning to despise you"

Haven't seen you in town recently!

Arpster said...

An interesting website, that.

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: "asl" is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: Ahoyhoy.
Stranger: 0.o
Stranger: hi?
Stranger: where u from hoe
Stranger: where u from
You: Hoe?
Stranger: yah im tlkinqq to u
You: I'm more of a spade man myslef.
You: Or maybe a rake.
You: Why do you like the hoe?
Stranger: phukken tryinqq to akt hard wit mee
Stranger: shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
You: Is it the weed-removing properties?
Stranger: no
You: Or the strange cavity which allows soil to flow through it.
Stranger: i like fukinqq hoes
You: "fukinqq"?
You: How do you pronounce that?
You: Fookin-cue-cue?
Stranger: fukkkiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggggg
Stranger: gee gee
Stranger: lolz
You: Fookinkwee?
Stranger: u are as tupid man
You: Ah, a "g". I see.
You: I am as tupid as the next man, yes.
You: Are you into Tuperware?
Stranger: u knw u wantt me
Stranger: wtf iz tuperware ?
You: Tuperware? A range of small plastic boxes for storing food in.
You: Sealable lids.
You: Big in the Seventies.
Stranger: y wuld i be in onee...?
Stranger: masterbatinqq..?
You: There you are with the "qq" again.
Stranger: hidingg thee sperm..?
You: Quim Quips
You: ?
You: You could store your sperm in there I suppose.
You: It might taint though.
Stranger: wana fukk..?
You: You'd be better off with porcelain.
You: Do you have a penis?
Stranger: do u ?
You: A small one. It's quite hairy too.
Stranger: 0.o
Stranger: mines bigg
Stranger: and hard
Stranger: for u
Stranger: all forr u
You: Is that from the talk of Tuperware?
Stranger: ohbby
Stranger: i just wana fukk...!!!!!!!!!!
You: Why are you on a computer then? You should be out frequenting the gay scene. Endeavouring to cottage.
Stranger: y wuld i be on a gay sceen wen i culd be here cyber fukingg
You: Because then you actually get to use your penis. Instead of gripping it tightly in your claw-like hand.
Stranger: im at a loss of words
Stranger: ill goo...
Stranger: if...
Stranger: u joinn
You: Is that because all the blood has gone from your brain?
You: Why don't you hollow out a baguette and slip it over your penis?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

bresker said...

:) daft git