Sunday, August 01, 2010

Lord Jebus came to me

Lord Jebus came to me.

He said 'Son, when you were eighteen years old you were as horny as a dog with two dicks. But I cursed you. Even though you were attractive enough to some girls, I made you tongue-tied and awkward. So if you ever came close to any women you became a crimson-faced blubbering mess.'

'True, Lord Jebus,' I replied. 'But now that I am thirty six years old you have cursed me again. For now I am still attractive to some women, indeed more women than I used to be. For now I am big and strong, and have a way about me. I am not like most other men. And let's face it Lord, women of my age group can hardly afford to be choosy.'

'True, my son' said Lord Jebus. 'And since I am Lord Jebus, I know what you are going to say next. Let me save your tongue and say it for you.

'Even though you are more attractive to the opposite sex, I have cursed you by taking away one quarter of your sex drive. And you have taken away another two quarters with all the drink and drugs.

'And then I have cursed you with the dawning realisation that sleeping with strange women doesn't make you any happier in the long run. You'd rather be home watching an extended version of 'Have I Got News for You,' even though you feel like you should be doing something else on a Saturday night.'

'Except on that one Saturday in five when you have a raging bone-on.'

'True, true Lord Jebus,' I admitted. 'But now that you've shown me this desire for strange women is hollow, why can't you take away my desire for strong drink?'

'I can't do that,' laughed Lord Jebus. 'I need to answer the prayers of the publicans and victuallers too, you know!'

No comments: