Sunday, July 25, 2010

Usher Interview

Each week, I'll be trying to interview a fashion, art, music, or cinema personality. They'll deliver their feelings on the most special day of the week: Sunday. This week, the singer Usher answered my questions via telephone from his penthouse suite in Atlanta.

What do you wear on Sundays?

This morning, I am only wearing a smile! Yes I am completely naked. I like the freedom. Sometimes, I wear pyjamas. Also, trousers & a shirt. Maybe a hat. If I'm going out, I might wear a pair of low slung jeans and an 'Usher' tour shirt.

What do you eat on Sundays?

That’s the day I cook for the entire neighbourhood. I invite my block over to my urban one acre farm/petting zoo. We herd goats into the 'killing zone,' a area fenced off with upturned pallets. Then we spear them to death. We make a type of sausage from the blood, I think you call it black pudding in your country? Then my friend Royston, he's a butcher, cuts and skins the goats. We barbecue them over coals. The hindquarters, the ribs. We throw the heads and tails to our dogs to rip up. It's quite a scene.

Have you ever had any trouble from animal rights activists?

They don't know 'bout it.

What do you watch on TV on Sunday?

Cartoons or the Antiques Roadshow, maybe bit of Last of the Summer Wine. And Heartbeat. Yeah, we get all your UK shows in Atlanta! Or I get my homies in Croydon to burn me copies and send them over.

What do you drink on Sundays?

Hmmmm.. a pint of tea, then some Guinness Extra. When we're barbecuing the goat we usually down a bottle of Buckfast tonic wine and smear the goats blood on our faces. Sunday evenings, things get pretty messy and I'll drink anything. Sometimes, you find me on the corner with a can of Special Brew. I love all that UK culture.

The people you see on Sunday?

Hmm.... I see the people from the neighbourhood. But you know that Derek Hatton, former deputy leader of Liverpool City Council? Expelled from the British Labour party for militant tendencies? Well, he is in Atlanta now. He is my homeboy, we chill together in my crib. And when his mate Arthur Scargill is in town we all hang out, smoke some reefer, kick back to some R & B. We're all working together on some new songs about the plight of the manual labourer and lack of union involvement in the workplace. Uh-uh.

Who do you dream would wake you up on Sunday?

I'd like to be woken by Jane Fonda circa 1970. She could wake me up by licking my frenulum. The frenulum is is an elastic band of tissue under the glans that connects to the prepuce or foreskin to the vernal mucosa, and helps contract the prepuce over the glans.

You mean the banjo string?

If you want to be crude you could call it that.

This interview is terminated.

Thanks Usher, have a great Sunday.

You too. (at this point there is a great crashing sound on the phone line and muffled shouting.)

You still there Usher? Are you OK?

Yeah, it's cool. Derek Hatton just fell over the lead to my vacuum cleaner and bust his head on the wall. It was pretty funny actually.

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