Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Taliban House




Yesterday, I went to Poundland and bought two powerful magnifying glasses.

Then I bought some varnish. From Price Attack, because Poundland didn't have any. I also bought some superglue and the strong adhesive known as liquid nails.

In my garage, I have a number of planks of wood. I'm going to cut these down to maybe one foot long, half a foot across.

On these pieces of wood I'm going to write some fictional addresses in felt-tip pen, in my best signwriter's hand:

"TALIBAN HOUSE"
"MILKCURDLE TOWERS"
"OL' DIRTY BASTID BUILDINGS"
"THE KATIE PRICE APEX"
"THE DIRTY BRISTOW CENTRE"

etc.

Then, on a hot sunny day, I'm going to burn over the writing with the magnifying glass by focusing the solar rays on the writing on the wood surface. All careful, like.

Next, I shall varnish over my signs and leave them to dry.

In the middle of the night, I'm going to go around various government buildings in town and stick these signs next to their doorways. Buildings like the Bru (that's the dole office to non-native speakers,) the Housing Executive, the rates office, and maybe the old telephone exchange.

Just imagine the employees' faces next morning! And the worried emails flying between departments, asking who decided to rename their office "QUIMLY HOUSE."

It'll be well worth the conviction for criminal damage/extraordinary rendering I receive when they google this and catch up with me.

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