To the woman abusing the Romanian 'Big Issue' seller

To the woman abusing the Romanian 'Big Issue' seller on Bangor Main Street:

The woman who looked like a more masculine version of Shirley from 'Eastenders.'

The one who had the dyed red hair and the fag dripping from her mouth who berated the poor girl for ages calling her 'horrible' and 'disgusting' and that she should 'get back to her own country.'

Well, I've chatted to her and she's not horrible. She seems pretty dead on to me. I know who is horrible.

Not that I give money to the Romanian Big Issue sellers. As my friend DW said, being long term unemployed is their job. As is selling the Big Issue. Or 'Big Issues', as DW says they don't sell the official magazine.

They've been there for years now, day in and day out. Each girl/lady has her own pitch. At the end of the day, they pool their money, buy groceries and head back up to Belfast on the train. I think they live in Botanic.

OK, I admit I give them money sometimes, at Christmas or when it's raining. But it seems like a shiteful job to me. They must earn less than the minimum wage. They have to put up with dogs' abuse from many lovely charming Bangorians, the intelligentsia of the suburbs. And it must be boring and cold sitting there all day. I wonder if they have considered getting a proper job? Surely there must be something better paid & easier for them to do.

Anyway, I am magical now and can transform myself into a giant eagle. So I went behind the shops and metamorphosed into this graceful hawk, and flew up above Main Street. Then I swooped down and picked up the abusive woman in my claws. I was so quick no-one saw.

She screamed for me to put her down. I told her I would if she agreed not to be a racist.

She said she would stop being a racist and I let her down gently in Ward Park. But because I'm a magical eagle, I could see inside her heart. She was still racist.

So I caught her again and took her into a high conifer. I plucked her skin and bones with my talons and beak and ate her. I ate her all up but spat her bones beneath the tree. The police have begun an investigation but are baffled.

She wasn't very tasty. Nasty people never are.