Sunday, December 21, 2008

I Found a dead body in the garden


I was just out bringing in the washing when I stumbled over a dead body lying in the garden. I went into the garage to get my inspection lamp and took a good look at him. It's an old fella in his 60s or 70s. He's wearing a pair of sweat pants and a old t-shirt, like he's just got up from bed or something. He's bald apart from a few wee tufts. Skinny old fella. He has no wallet or ID on him but I took an old fiver he had in his pocket.

He was lying on his side like he was sleeping, he looks peaceful, with his arm tucked under his head like a pillow. I swear he even has a wee smile on his face.

I called some of the neighbours over to have a juke but none of them know him. After they'd gone my mate Wee Rab from across the way hung around. We couldn't resist pulling his trackies down and having a juke at his wab, it's pretty shrivelled already or maybe it was always like that. He has a big old scar on his arse, looks like he ripped his cheeks at some point in his life.

Anyway, we got the football out of the shed and Rab and I took it in turns to hold him up & try and get him to do volleys & headers off the garage wall. It was good for a while but even a skinny old fella weighs your arms down after a few minutes. We got some good footage for youtube though.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, how can we tell if he died of natural causes? I know we should report it but if he died peaceful Rab & me thought we might as well take him down the back field beside the sheuch and bury him ourselves. Rab can get the lend of a bobcat digger from Decksy four doors down, and I can chisel an old stone for the top of it. It'll be like the grave of the unknown soldier, a wee local talking point.......

Here, Wee Rab just got a bee in his bonnet about organ donation. He's away to get a butcher's knife and plug in my old chest freezer. I've rummaged through the drawers and found some freezer bags.

With the help of an old GCSE biology book I reckon we can get the liver, heart, kidneys and that. Is there anything else we should go for? I suppose we should hurry while he's still warm. He hasn't got a donor card on him but I saw on the news that you don't need one to take people's insides any more.

So while we're getting the organs out we can have a look at them, what should we be looking for to see if he died of natural causes? If his heart is all full of chip fat or his lungs is all black that means he died of natural causes, aye? So it'll be OK to bury him? I've taken plenty of photos just in case his family come lookin him so they can identify him.

I've got that bit from the bible about 'ashes to ashes dust to dust' all lined up to say as Rab's backing the dirt over him in the bobcat................

Well, I managed to persuade Rab not to slice the old boy open to get at him. He just looked so peaceful lying there. Rab had a couple of beers in him anyway, I wouldn't trust him with a plastic fork nevermind a butchers knife.

We wrapped the old boy up in a tarpaulin and left him in the shed. Next morning he was sitting up, it fair freaked me out, his muscles mush have contracted. I tried pushing him back down but it was no good. So I called Fat Joesy from down the street, she came and sat on his chest. That did the trick, he went back dowwn but his back gave out a big snap, musst have broken it or something.

Anyway, word must have spread because most of the neighbour's came to take a wee juke at him and take a few photos. We dragged him up and draped his arm round us, put a lit ciggie in his mouth and stuf lol it was great crack altogether. Then some of the old wans told us off. Dexy's ma brought a nice old sheet or curtains or something. Then all the lads got together and whacked up an old coffin out of scrap wood and nailed him in it. It looked OK.

I got the big stone and wrote on "RIP OLD MAN GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN" in permanent marker. Then Kayso had a bright idea, instead of using the chisel he got a big power drill and we drilled into the letters on thee stone. It looked wile good but Flipper spoiled it by pouring gold paint in the letters.

A big crowd came down to the field to watch. Rab had got the hole dug already so me and the boys tipped him in. The coffin was a bit skew wiff but it was alright when Rab backed the soil over him. Then we put the big stone on top. Some people had printed out photos of the Old Man and wrapped them with clingfilm so we stuck them on the big stone. A few wee girls had candles so we put them on. I read my bit from the Bible and some of the girls were cryin, it was dead movin. Then Dexy's dad sang "dANNY bOY" and more people were gurnin, it was great crack.

After the peelers came but we told them it was just a movie for a project, they believed us, nobody squealed. They wouldn't dare anyways after what Dexy did last time! It was after he broke into that wee girls house and the dog saw him & chased him onto the carriageway. He ran in front of a car and the car hit the dog and killed it stone dead. Dexy was so out of it he brought the dog back to the girl. He wrapped in his T-shirt all covered in blood. The wee girl was Ok about it I think she liked Dexy or something. But the wee girls brother squealed on Dexy to the peelers and he was locked up for a bit. So when Dexy got out, he caught the brother and made him eat one his pet mice, he kept them in the garage. Then he glued his neck to a lamppost......

After we put orange and lemon peel on the grave, that keeps away dogs & cats and stops them shittin in the grave. Somebody said Tiger shite is good for that so if i AM AT BELLEVUE I will ask for some.

Late on when the schools were out I saw wee Poke and Hughsy go down there with a spade, they were going to dig the Old Man up but we see them and chased them off. Some people have no respect.....

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